Are you at that junction of your married life where you are at the verge of a breakup and are slowly drifting away from your husband? Do you need some moral support in facing such a scenario and need guidance to overcome this difficult situation?
A wife and a husband are like wheels of a car, and harmony and the perfect balance of these wheels lead to a peaceful and happy married life. When you feel that connection and trust are shattering away, and you need to take a break from this relationship, you often get stuck with what to do to breakup with your husband without hurting him?
Can you break up without hurting your partner?
You can come across many blogs stating how to heal your soul after a breakup or start your life again after taking a break from the previous relation. But you actually need to know how to smoothly go through this process. I won’t say that breakups are fun or an easy thing to do.
If breaking up from relation was that simple, I wouldn’t be writing this article for my dear readers. Our team at trusty relationships have gathered some expert advice to help you during this heart-wrenching experience. If you want to know how to smoothly break your relationship with your husband, keep reading this article to the very end.
Give a break to your relationship
People assume that it is hurting if your spouse dumped you, but it is equally hurting to initiate the breakup. Before jumping to the conclusion that you actually want to leave your husband, give him some space and a break to your relationship. Try your level best to fix your relationship that is falling apart.
Do you really want to breakup with your husband?
There is nothing better than finding a real soul mate for you and if your husband is loving and caring you feel so lucky to be blessed with a fantastic partner.
But there often come such times in your relationship when you always feel burdened with your relationship. You and your husband often end up quarrelling or hurting each other. When you see such red flags, you should take a break from your relationship.
Think deeply before jumping to the conclusion that you want the breakup
It is complicated to break the relationship you have built with so many dreams and trust. It is so hard to let go of the person who is quite dear to you. Before jumping to the conclusion that you actually want to get over with your relationship, think twice that you even want this?
Brittany Bouffard, a clinical social worker and a psychotherapist advised that before ending your relationship, ask yourself why you want to end your marriage? Is there a lack of empathy/love, don’t you have any common grounds left?
Discuss this matter with your sincere friends or seek help from a therapist before jumping straight to breakup.
“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies, so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
Indicators that you need to breakup
It may feel daunting, but some sure shot signs indicate that you need to leave your husband. After trying everything to fix your dwindling marriage, if you still are not happy, it’s time for you to get out of this relationship and move on to begin the healing process.
Hardships are part of life, and conflicts often arise in your relationship which you can resolve with discussion. But there are certain things in a marriage which raises red flags, and in that case, you should leave such a toxic marriage soon. It is crucial to break up such an unworkable relationship, and fixing it is out of the question.
Tina B. Tessina, PhD, a psychotherapist and an author of a book, describes such a person as a brutal partner. “If you are in an abusive relationship, and you and your kids are subjected to violence, you need to get out of such a relationship for the safety of your children and your own self.”
Dr Tessina further stated that ‘… if your husband has a compulsive behaviour and can’t get rid of things like gambling, doing drugs and having extramarital affairs. These things are an addiction that can’t go away, and it is not a good sign.’
You should distance yourself from such a partner for your own wellbeing.
Lack of physical intimacy
Connel Barret who is a dating coach thinks that ‘if there is the absence of physical and emotional intimacy and your partner is unable to fulfil your carnal pleasures, it means there is the absence of romance in your relationship, and you are mere friends’. It is also a sign that you should move on.
Lack of respect and appreciation
Trust, cooperation and respect are pillars of marriage. If your husband always looks down upon you, lacks empathy, and disrespects you, you need to break up and move out of that marriage.
What is the point of holding on to that man who does not appreciate you and always discourages you?
Why be in a relationship with such a man who is continuously draining your energy and not boosting your morals?
‘Whether you want to stay in a marriage or not, do a future pacing’ Connel Barret states. ‘Imagine yourself five years ahead from now and picture yourself happy and enjoying your life. If you cannot picture your current partner in that scenario, then you don’t need to drag this relationship. It is wiser for you to drift apart and find a suitable person for yourself.’
What to do to breakup with your husband without hurting him?
When the ties of relationships break, everybody gets hurt. It will be a heart-wrenching experience for your husband, who would be in the sudden shock of losing the connection. But the truth is the one who initiates the breakup is not very happy either.
The person you are breaking up with used to be very close to you at the beginning of your relationship. It is an undeniable fact that you cannot break up with your husband without hurting him. Still, there are several things which you should do to minimize the pain of your partner and hurt him as minimum as possible.
You will get distressed so give yourself some time to anticipate your conversation
No matter you are initiating the breakup, it still will take a toll on your nerves. You feel a fair amount of anxiety and distress, so give yourself some time to anticipate the conversation between you and your husband.
You may not get the support of your family or friends as you are initiating the breakup. On the other hand, your husband might get all the sympathies. This could be a very stressful phase that might lead you on a guilt trip. You might wish to end the things with minimal hurt, but that is inevitable.
“Keep your conversation neutral, compassionate, honest, non-accusatory, direct and non-blameful. It is inevitable that other person may not feel gloomy. You just say what you need to say because you cannot avoid this” says Rebecca Hendrix, an Integrative holistic psychotherapist LMFT.
Be sensitive with the choice of your words, show some empathy
Don’t be harsh with your words, choose some better words to convey your message. “Show empathy to your partner, it helps in alleviating some of the unbearable pain of loss. In past if you have gone through such situation you would probably know the importance of choosing the soft words” says Franklin A. Porter, a clinical psychologist in NYC.
Be prepared for the resulting outcome
You cannot control what others might react to what you say. Franklin A. Porter says “You can only have control of what you speak, but cannot control how other perceives or react to your message. It is therefore essential to think beforehand what you want to conversate about and how you will end things up?”
Remind yourself it is okay for you to take a break from your relationship
It is not a nice feeling to break up with your husband as once he was used to be very special for you. It is not wrong to break from your relationship for your own wellbeing, so do not feel that you have done something wrong.
As Rebecca Hendrix says, “The man who is not perfect for you is not worthy of your love, always remember that it is wonderful to break ties with such a husband. It is a decision which you have taken for yourself so, do not feel guilty about it.”
Convey the news about your breakup face to face
Tzlil Hertzberg, a mental health counsellor, states that “one-to-one interaction is the key factor to the stately breakup”.
Don’t break your ties with your partner over a text message, phone call or email. Breaking up with your husband face-to-face can be unnerving and stressful to you. Still, it is the correct way to end your relationship.” You owe it to your husband to do it one-to-one”.
Pick some suitable place to break up with your husband
Breakups are not happenings, and there is no suitable setting for such type of conversations. Try to pick some right space where you can state your feelings. Don’t go for open environments or public places with loud noises. Try to select somewhere peaceful instead. Hendrix stated, “Take this decision by keeping in mind the same situation happening with you.”
Franklin A. Porter suggested that you should avoid public settings altogether, “It is difficult for the person on the receiving end to contain his/her emotions while being at the public setting. The ideal setting would be your husband’s place, it would help him to contain himself and give him the freedom to show you the way out anytime.”
“Be honest and politely explain everything to your husband truly. Don’t hide anything to avoid any ambiguity. It will hurt your spouse more if you don’t address the real issues”, said Loren Soeiro, PhD, ABPP.
When you break up with your husband state everything clearly to him. Don’t hide your feelings to hurt him less. Breaking up will hurt both of you, but your husband deserves to know the real reason behind this breakup. But be polite while stating your point of view.
Take responsibility for your choice, listen to your husband without defending yourself.
When you take some decision, embrace it. Take responsibility for your own choice and don’t put the blame on your husband or the situation. Listen to your husband carefully and honestly answer all his queries.
Breaking up with your husband is not as easy as both of you have spent quite a time with each other.
“If you had a deep connection with your partner and had an understanding, it is quite obvious that this breakup is going to cause him pain,” says Rebecca Hendrix. She further advised “to give your partner some space and dignity to be on their own journey.”
Now you are breaking ties with your husband, it is not your responsibility to console him.
Hendrix further stated that “no explanation of yours is going to heal their wounds, so it is useless to get into such conversation.”
When you break up with your husband, prepare your mind beforehand to face many reactions. He might get really angry at you, feel sad or want you to forgive them and start over again.
Porter and Hendrix both proposed that “you must certify their feelings if they get angry, for instance, you can say something like it is alright, I know you are angry, and you are right to be angry.” Hendrix further added that “you should stay calm and shouldn’t display equal anger.”
“If they get sad try to empathize them by gesture like a hug but being prepared of it to get refused,” says Porter.
Cut off your ties cleanly and don’t give false hope
If you really want closure… at some point, you have to shut the door.
Jacki Wells Wunderlin
When you have decided to break up with your husband, then there is no space left for them to be in your life. You are breaking up with your spouse because he is not meant to be your life partner. When you break up with your husband, cut off contact with him for quite some time, to show respect for your partners’ feelings. It will also be an indication that the things have permanently changed between you two.
“Don’t be afraid to start over. It’s a brand new opportunity to rebuild what you truly want.”
A breakup can be energy-draining for you and may exhaust you mentally as well. You need to remember one thing that breakups are not the end of life. Never ever belittle yourself or feel guilty, you broke up because you deserve happiness. You deserve to be with the person who appreciates you and loves you, unconditionally. Being in a toxic relationship is not suitable for you and your mental health.
If you are foreseeing your upcoming break up with your husband, these tips might save you the grief and loss you otherwise feel. By following these tips by a trusty, there is a good chance that you might end your relationship with your husband respectfully with least hurting him.
Do let us know about your experiences in the comments below!